How Shame Affects Relationships?

By Suki O Huallachain
Shame is one of those emotions that we often don’t talk about, but it plays a huge role in how we connect with others, especially in our relationships. It can be sneaky, hiding under the surface and influencing our behaviors without us even realizing it. In this post, we’ll explore how shame affects relationships, how it shows up, and some actionable ways to deal with it. We’ll also discuss how therapies like EMDR, Brainspotting, and Somatic Therapy can be powerful tools in healing from shame.

What is Shame, and How Does it Affect Us?

Shame is different from guilt. While guilt makes us feel like we’ve done something wrong, shame makes us feel like we are wrong. It tells us that we are bad, inadequate, or unworthy, which can leave us feeling hopeless or even invisible. Unfortunately, when shame takes over, it often hides in the background, influencing our thoughts, actions, and relationships without us fully realizing it.

In relationships, shame can manifest in many ways, but it often shows up when we feel rejected, criticized, or not good enough. Whether it’s a disagreement with a partner, issues around sex, or struggles with communication, shame can be the root cause of many problems. It can make us feel defensive, unworthy, or even shut down emotionally. But the good news is that we can address it—once we recognize how it’s affecting us.

How Shame Manifests in Relationships

Shame shows up in a variety of ways, and it impacts both how we see ourselves and how we interact with our partners. Here are some common patterns that may indicate that shame is affecting your relationship:

1. Avoiding Conflict or Not Asserting Yourself

When shame is at play, you may find yourself unable to express your needs or desires for fear of rejection or conflict. This often happens when you feel like your needs aren’t worth prioritizing. But the truth is, avoiding conflict doesn’t solve anything. It just builds resentment and makes you feel disconnected from your partner.

2. Seeking Validation and Approval

Some of us rely on others for constant validation to feel worthy. You might find yourself fishing for compliments, like asking, “Do I look okay in this?” or saying, “Nobody loves me.” This behavior stems from low self-esteem and can create frustration in relationships, as it often feels draining to the other person.

3. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

Shame can make us feel unworthy of love or affection, and we may desperately cling to relationships to avoid being alone. This fear of abandonment can lead to unhealthy attachments or even staying in abusive or toxic relationships just to avoid feeling isolated.

4. Defensiveness and Anger

When someone experiences shame, they may respond with anger or defensiveness, particularly when they feel criticized or rejected. Instead of being open to feedback, shame leads to reactions that can escalate conflicts. For example, instead of hearing what a partner is saying, you might react with, “I didn’t do it!” or “I never said that!”

How Shame Affects Men and Women Differently

Shame affects men and women differently, often because of societal expectations. For women, shame often comes from feeling like they aren’t fulfilling all the roles they “should” be—whether it's being a good mother, partner, or friend. Women might feel like they’re never doing enough, leading to self-blame and withdrawal.

For men, the major shame trigger is often the fear of appearing weak. Society places a high value on strength and stoicism, so when men feel vulnerable or vulnerable in front of others, it can trigger a strong shame response. Men may react with anger, frustration, or even violence as a way of protecting themselves from the feeling of being shamed.

Overcoming Shame in Relationships: Steps You Can Take

The first step in healing from shame is recognizing when it’s taking over. Once you realize that shame is influencing your behavior, you can start taking action to address it. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Self-Disclosure: Own Your Mistakes

The hardest thing to do when we feel shame is to admit it. But one of the most powerful ways to break the cycle of shame is to own up to your mistakes. It’s not easy, but saying, “Yes, I messed up, and I’m sorry,” can wash away that shame and allow your partner to feel more connected to you. Vulnerability fosters closeness, so don’t be afraid to admit when you’re wrong.

2. Practice Empathy

Shame often causes us to shut down or lash out in self-defense, but empathy is the key to healing. Try to understand not only your own feelings but also those of your partner. If you’re unsure how your actions affect them, ask! Empathy leads to understanding and helps create a deeper connection.

3. Build Your Self-Esteem

Instead of focusing on everything you’ve done wrong, start building yourself up. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes. Acknowledging your flaws and learning from them will help you become more comfortable with your authentic self.

4. Seek Professional Help

If shame feels overwhelming and is interfering with your ability to connect with your partner, it might be time to seek help. Traditional talk therapy is helpful, but newer approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Brainspotting, or Somatic Therapy can offer more targeted ways to address deep-rooted shame.

How EMDR, Brainspotting, and Somatic Therapies Can Help with Shame

Traditional talk therapy is valuable, but sometimes shame is so deeply ingrained that simply talking about it isn't enough. EMDR, Brainspotting, and Somatic Therapy are therapeutic approaches that work with the body and mind in a more holistic way to help release trauma and shame from a deeper level.

• EMDR is a therapy that helps reprocess traumatic memories and experiences by using bilateral stimulation (like eye movements). This can help “re-wire” how your brain processes shame and other negative beliefs, making it easier to let go of them.

• Brainspotting is similar to EMDR but focuses on specific points in your visual field to access deeper emotional material. This technique allows you to target and release the underlying causes of shame more quickly.

• Somatic Therapy focuses on the connection between mind and body. It helps people release trapped emotions, such as shame, through body-centered practices. This approach is especially helpful for those who feel stuck or overwhelmed by emotional pain.

All three approaches can help you work through the deep-seated feelings of shame, leading to lasting healing that traditional talk therapy may not always address.

Final Thoughts

Shame can feel like a silent killer in relationships—it holds us back, prevents us from being our true selves, and causes unnecessary pain. By recognizing how shame shows up in our lives, we can take the first step toward healing. Practicing empathy, owning our mistakes, and seeking professional help are all important steps in breaking free from the grip of shame.

If you find that shame is affecting your relationship, consider exploring therapies like EMDR, Brainspotting, or Somatic Therapy. These innovative approaches can help you release deep emotional blocks and find freedom from shame in a way that traditional talk therapy might not.

Healing from shame is possible, and with the right tools, you can build stronger, more authentic connections with your partner and yourself.