By Suki O Huallachain

Shame is a tough emotion that many of us deal with at some point in life. It’s that nagging feeling of not being enough—like there’s something fundamentally wrong with who we are. But while shame can feel overwhelming, the good news is that it doesn’t have to control your life. Let’s explore what shame really is, how it shows up, and how you can work through it to build a healthier sense of self.

What Is Shame?

Shame happens when we believe we’ve fallen short of our own or others’ standards, leaving us feeling inadequate or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which is about something we’ve done, shame makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us as a person. This can create intense discomfort and even make us want to hide away from others.

How Shame Differs From Guilt and Embarrassment

• Guilt: Linked to specific actions. It’s when you feel bad about something you’ve done (or didn’t do). Guilt can be motivating, encouraging you to make amends or change your behavior.

• Shame: Goes deeper. It’s not about an action but about feeling like you’re inherently flawed.

• Embarrassment: Short-lived and situation-specific, like tripping in public. Embarrassment doesn’t touch your core identity the way shame does.

Where Does Shame Come From?

Shame can come from all sorts of experiences. For some, it starts early in life. Maybe a parent’s criticism or withdrawal of love made you feel “not good enough.” Others feel shame because of social scrutiny, comparisons, or cultural expectations.

In many cases, shame develops when we internalize negative feedback or fail to meet the standards we’ve set for ourselves. It’s like carrying around a harsh inner critic that’s always judging and belittling us.

How Shame Affects Us

Shame doesn’t just stay in your head—it can impact every part of your life, including your relationships, self-esteem, and mental health. Here are some common signs:

• Avoiding eye contact or staying quiet.

• Feeling like you can’t be your true self.

• Wanting to disappear or shrink away.

• Fear of saying the wrong thing or looking foolish.

Over time, constant shame can lead to:

• Low self-esteem: Believing you’re fundamentally flawed.

• Social anxiety: Feeling like you’ll always be judged.

• Anger and defensiveness: Using anger to hide your pain.

• Relationship issues: Struggling to trust or connect with others.

The Surprising Role of Shame in Evolution

Interestingly, shame may have played a role in our survival as a species. It helps us understand boundaries, cultural norms, and how our actions affect others. Occasional shame can even teach humility. But when shame becomes overwhelming or constant, it’s no longer helpful—it’s harmful.

How to Overcome Shame

The first step to overcoming shame is recognizing it. Since shame often operates in the background, it’s important to take time to identify and explore those feelings. Here are some strategies to get started:

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Being kind to yourself is key. Try writing a letter to yourself as if you were comforting a close friend. Or practice loving-kindness meditation, where you send compassion and love to yourself and others.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

If others’ criticism or negativity contributes to your shame, it’s time to set boundaries. This could mean standing up for yourself, naming abusive behavior, or stepping away from toxic relationships.

3. Seek Support

Whether it’s talking to a friend, journaling, or working with a therapist, sharing your feelings can help you better understand and process shame. A trusted mental health professional can guide you in exploring the roots of your shame and developing healthier coping strategies.

How EMDR and Somatic Therapies Can Help

While traditional talk therapy can be effective for addressing shame, methods like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and somatic therapies offer unique benefits.

• EMDR: This approach helps you reprocess painful memories tied to shame, reducing their emotional intensity. By focusing on specific memories or triggers, EMDR can help you reframe negative beliefs about yourself.

• Somatic Therapies: Shame often lives in the body, not just the mind. Somatic approaches help you connect with and release these stored emotions through physical sensations, grounding techniques, and mindful movement. These therapies are especially helpful if shame feels overwhelming or difficult to articulate.

Moving Forward

Shame can feel like a heavy weight, but it doesn’t have to define you. By recognizing and addressing shame, practicing self-compassion, and seeking the right support, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Remember, you’re not alone—and healing is always possible.